Eating my words
I really do try to recommend movies that are a little more “inside baseball” than most. Movies that have huge budgets, huge stars attached to them, and huge opening weekends as well as a huge impact on the popular culture…are typically useless to me. I’ll give them a review upon their release, but I mostly feel that recommending them well after that would constitute a mere drop in the ocean. Do you really need to hear me say that Inception is a great sci-fi heist movie? Are there truly people out there who will take notice if I advertise Casino Royale as a good Bond movie, or Iron Man as a successful superhero adaptation? No. I’m much more fond of bringing your attention to underdog movies that haven’t had a significant shout out. Now, I’m no Quentin Tarantino. I don’t know everything there is to know about $5 budget exploitation films from the 70’s. I’m a fairly mainstream cinema-goer myself, and my tastes are not as exotic and cultured as I’d wish them to be. Still, I try my best to tell you about films that you hopefully haven’t seen or heard of.
All that being said…I cannot deny when a movie just…works.
Sometimes a film can’t go unmentioned, regardless of how notorious it may already be. To this end, I absolutely have to recommend…
When I first saw the trailer to this movie I was extremely underwhelmed. The plot synopsis did nothing to impress me either.
“A family looks to prevent evil spirits from trapping their comatose child in a realm called The Further.”
– IMDB
James Wan and Leigh Whannell, creators of Saw and Dead Silence, decided that they wanted to make their next project a tribute to Poltergeist. Now that sounds great! I love Poltergeist, but the look of Poltergeist is very different from the look of Paranormal Activity; which the trailer for Insidious annoyingly resembled. The use of handheld shaky-cam and desaturated colour grading reminded me far too much of that weak attempt at a horror franchise. So, I skipped it. I told myself I would see it one day, but not today.
Not too long after that I started to see memes and internet posts like this all over the web:
Call me crazy, but I haven’t seen a lot of Paranormal Activity web cartoons – and there are now four Paranormal Activity movies and only one Insidious! So clearly something about this film resonated with a group of people out there, enough for them to bring it to the net with force. At this point I started to think there might be something to it…
One day I was talking to a girl at my university (Yeah, I talk to girls! I talk to girls all the time, I know loads of girls, girls love me!…Shut up!) and she highly recommended that I watch it. I, being my typical arrogant know-it-all cynical contrarian self, scoffed and shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t like Dead Silence, and this one looks like a Paranormal Activity wannabe! Besides, I’ve heard it’s not scary!” I said. She shrunk slightly and quietly uttered “Well, I liked Dead Silence…and I liked Insidious…and I thought it was scary.” Fast forward a year and I have now seen Insidious…
I would like to lay myself flat and completely apologise to you Vanessa! I know you’re probably not reading this, but I’m so so sorry! I was wrong to the Nth degree! This movie is freakishly frightening!
Now, it doesn’t get a perfect score, because the story flusters and flails about like a chicken without its head. There are a number of different holes you can pick in the plot and the ending was frankly…unsatisfactory. Still, a horror movie lives and dies by the suspense and terror it’s able to impart – and I’d be lying through my teeth and eyes and ears if I tried to deny it’s success on that front.
Is Insidious a tribute to Poltergeist? You bet it is! There are many scenes that refer directly back to the Spielberg/Hooper masterpiece of the 80’s, so I’m delighted that modern audiences have recognised its appeal. Not only that, but it also taps into some of the greatest themes of classic horror; like the fear of shadows standing in corners and the creepiness of vintage fashion styles. This film shows that while a ghost with a frown may not exactly be inviting, a ghost with an “unnatural smile” is just…plain…wrong. There’s also an unending obsession with pedophobia; the fear of children. This is something which movies often try but fail to capture. Children are nice and cute and cuddly, right? Well, maybe not always…
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to listen to Tiny Tim again. Not that I was a fan before but, oh well.
I know you’re sick of me talking about Halloween, but it’s very close so it’s not going to stop now. If you haven’t seen Insidious, maybe because you didn’t hear about it when it was released or you were just a pessimistic twat like me, this coming wednesday is the perfect opportunity to redeem yourself. I believe that, in the decades to come, Insidious will have its day. It will grow from a fairly overlooked film, to cult classic, into a must-see piece of horror film history. It is a far-from-perfect but, never-the-less, lovingly crafted modern horror trophy. It understands just where to grab you and how hard to squeeze.
-Sleep tight!
King of all questions, answers to none…
Ok, I promise you that I’m not actually Stephen King trying to secretly advertise all the film adaptations of my stories. Trust me, I wish I were a genius like Stephen, but alas I’m not. You would be forgiven for thinking this, however, since this is the third time I’ve mentioned him recently. The simple reason is, however, that so much of his horror fiction constituted the soup of fear and suspense that was my movie-gazing childhood. It seems like almost every time I saw a movie that caused me to flinch and cover my eyes with a blanket, King’s name was somewhere on the box.
So this time I’m talking about Storm of the Century, which isn’t a regular film – but instead a three part miniseries. If you decide to watch all three parts together, however, it makes for a 4 hour epic. It’s like three movies with one continuous plot! Three movies? Three? Hallowthreen! Oh my god, what a coincidence, it’s perfect for this year’s Halloween movie marathon!
Trust me, it’s not a bad idea. That is, if you haven’t seen this thing already. Why? It’s creepy as sin!
“A mysterious stranger with a cane arrives in the small town of Little Tall Island, Maine, during the heaviest snow storm in the last 100 years. Everywhere he goes, death follows. He has one clear message “Give me what I want and I’ll go away.”
– Cinema-Rant
Simple, perplexing, and very promising. The premise alone is enough to tease you.
Now, I will admit that since this was made for the TV, the effects are not great. Some of the 90’s CGI isn’t even good enough to meet the standards of that time and, as if that wasn’t bad enough, the whole thing is shot in…
…in…
…in…
………4:3!
For those of you who don’t know what that number means, it’s an aspect ratio. In the days before High-Definition digital television, 4:3 (pronounced “four by three” or “four three”) was the standard format for everything showed on the small screen. Nowadays all television is displayed in 16:9, and most feature films are 2:35:1. Confused at all? Here’s a chart to show you what they look like:
Notice how 4:3 is embarrassingly small, effectively just a square. Some people like it because on an old tube-tv it filled out the screen completely. Great, but the aesthetic qualities you can achieve in terms of framing with just a square are shoddy.
Ok, enough film school, this movie is creepy – plain and simple. From the very first frame it’ll make you curl your toes. There’s a greyish blue hue colour graded into the film that helps the atmosphere tremendously. All throughout, the dialogue is riddled with little poems and childhood nursery rhymes which all take on an extra menacing quality when juxtaposed with the calculated violence we see on screen.
As usual I’m trying to avoid all spoilers, so I won’t tell you more beyond the initial concept. I can tell you, though, that the story ends up going in some pretty outrageous directions.
Thematically it centres on the concept of community and the underlying secrets it keeps buried under its skin. The stranger represents the storm itself; a threat that faces the entire village as one, and that they must solve by standing together on a single principle.
After you’ve watched this, snowstorms may not have quite the same Christmasy charm to them that they used to.
But we’re not three days away from Christmas, we’re three days away from Halloween! In keeping with that I figured I’d throw in another Stephen King adapted TV movie just for the hell of it…
I know exactly what you’re thinking. First you’re thinking “how do I pronounce that?”, then “ooo, ghosts on a plane?”
The pronunciation of Langoliers is “Lango-lee-ers”. As opposed to “Lan-go-leers”. Maybe you don’t care how it’s pronounced, but it actually troubled me for some time. One of the best things about watching it was finally getting to hear the actors say the title.
What? I’m not an obsessive nerd or anything…right?
The second and more important question can be answered with a resounding “No! This is not a ghost movie”. It’s not a movie about anything supernatural. There are no crazy killers, murder mysteries, scientific experiments gone awry, possessions, or monsters. There are just…The Langoliers.
“On a red eye flight to Boston from LA 10 people wake up to a shock. All the passengers and crew have vanished. When they try to contact the ground there is no response.”
– IMDB
Interesting, but what are the Langoliers? I know you’re gagging to find out. Now, a lame person would just google it or look it up on wikipedia. Sure, you could do that, but why ruin the suspense? Instead, track down a copy of The Langoliers and actually watch it! The answer, I suspect, will completely surprise you. Maybe you’ll think it’s stupid, or maybe it’ll impress you with its sheer radial brilliance.
If the VFX in Storm of the Century makes you roll your eyes, the “ye olde computer graphics” in this film will force your pupils to look straight into your brain. It’s embaressing how little effort has been put into the CGI in this movie. Remember TRON from 1982? TRON looks like Avatar compared to this. I know that’s not a ringing endorsement, I’m just trying to give you the straight truth.
But it doesn’t matter, because the story holds up. It’s not scary scary, but it’s unsettling and twisted in a number of different ways, reminding me very much of a Twilight Zone episode.
Since The Langoliers is a 3 hour two-parter, you now have 7 hours of Stephen King short story movie macabre to choose between and enjoy on your night-of-frights. 3 days to go!
Paralysing Paragraphs, Scary Speeches
Today is October 23rd, meaning that we’re 8 days away from Halloween. Yay! I can tell you’re getting excited now because you’re flapping your arms around and twisting your eyes in strange directions. Oh, wait…that’s just my reflection in a mirror.
Alright, maybe so far I’ve failed to put you into a “ghouls and goblins” mood. Hmm, what else can I do? Let’s see, what are the basics or Halloween? Scary costumes, scary monsters, scary mansions, scary lighting, scary weather, scary music, and of course my specialty; scary movies…but what about scary stories? Yes, I’ll try that.
So, this blog is strictly about films (don’t know if you noticed) and not literature per se. Ultimately I have barred myself from discussing anything that is not in some way film-related…so how am I going to pull this one off? Well, what about stories told within films? I don’t mean the actual plot or events of a movie, I mean stories that are literally told by the characters themselves, simply in the form of lengthy dialogue. In fact, there’s a name for those; they’re called monologues.
Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Let’s do that! I’ll grab a handful of stories and speeches, you sit yourself down in a rocking chair with a glass of wine (or brandi, or beer, or…mouthwash…whatever…) and we’ll go through them. I’ll pick 5…no…6…no no…7 horror themed monologues! Yes, that’s it! It’ll be…
It’s a celebration of the marriage between the written and spoken word. Perfectly crafted dialogue is useless unless it’s articulated in the right way. So, let’s jump in with number 7…
Apparently people hate this movie. It’s one of those films that I, personally, found very creepy when I first saw it – but afterwards I found out that it was highly disliked.
It’s a remake of Robert Wise’s The Haunting from 1963, and in many respects follows it pretty closely. In the original film the ghosts were represented merely by noise and interesting uses of camera, as well as ridiculously expositive dialogue from the characters – like “I just felt someone holding my hand”. Much of that remains in this update, and even certain key scenes remain largely unchanged, but the leaps made in technology since the 60’s impressed the filmmakers so much that they couldn’t help but overindulge in them. They use CGI far too much in this movie, and as a result most people didn’t find it very scary. Not surprising, as it’s directed by Jan De Bont, the man behind Speed and Twister. Don’t get me wrong, those are both great films, but they’re action films. This movie marketed itself as “scary”, and the ridiculously lavish use of theatrics and visual effects proved that to be largely a misnomer.
I do still think it’s creepy…ish…creepyish. Watching it again now at 23 I did start to wonder what exactly left me so sleepless at 11. Was I just so young that everything scared me back then? No, it’s more than that. There’s definitely something here, and I think it’s the story.
“When Eleanor, Theo, and Luke decide to take part in a sleep study at a huge mansion they get more than they bargained for when Dr. Marrow tells them of the house’s ghostly past.”
– IMDB
Let’s keep it real – a group of strangers taking part in a sleep study at a haunted mansion, it’s a great set up. As if that’s not enough, the details are very masterfully tuned. The name of the mansion, Hill House, instantly gives you chills. There’s an indication of solitude, solemnity, and sinisterness all embodies by the forging of those two words. It implies not only a fortress that stands alone, isolated from every other living thing, but also that it does so for a reason. Personally, I wouldn’t want to spend the night in a place called Hill House, would you?
So now we get to the meat of this dish, which is a monologue. I actually think this is one of the, is not the single, eeriest moments in the movie. What’s interesting is that, while the entire rest of the movie relies on dramatic music and operatic effects, this section has practically no score whatsoever. It’s just a simple story, chillingly told, with enough time given for the emotional weight to really sink in to the characters – and into us.
Yeah, thanks Liam, but I’ll spend the night at a local motel if that’s alright with you. Oh look, there’s one now – it’s called the Bates Motel! Much better, see ya’!
Now this next one is very short, but god damn is it good!
Everyone should know the story of Dawn of the Dead by now. It’s just about the simplest concept you can imagine:
“Survivors of a worldwide plague that is producing aggressive, flesh-eating zombies, take refuge in a mega Midwestern shopping mall.”
– IMDB
There really isn’t much more too it than that. What works so well about this little speech, though, is the social commentary that it provides. None of what the televangelist is saying has any real world significance or thematic impact on the story. However, he represents both the best and the worst of mankind; the search for answers and the vicious opportunism of providing false ones. The monologue ends with a montage of the characters falling asleep to the sounds of zombies scratching at the walls.
How any of them could get any significant ‘shut-eye’ with that going on, is beyond me, but that’s also kind of the point of the scene; they’re all struggling to deal with the situation internally instead of openly talking about it.
From short and punchy to long and dramatic. Poltergeist is a movie that crams as much candy into its piñata as possible. That’s why it’s one of my favourite horror films.
We now live in an age where found-footage flicks like Paranormal Activity are all the rage. People have decided that the best way to represent a ghost is by knocking over a lamp. Ooh scary. Yeah, fuck that! I’m a Poltergeist devotee. I think in order to show the supernatural you have to go big or go home. If you’re unfamiliar with Poltergeist…
“A family’s home is haunted by a host of ghosts.”
– IMDB
…then I’m afraid IMDB won’t help you with that. Yes, it’s a haunted house movie, but there’s more to it as well. See, in the middle of the picture one of the children in the house literally disappears; sucked through a closet and into another realm. The family cannot make heads or tails of it, so they seek the advice of an expert of “spiritual matters”. She’s short, strange, and sounds like she’s worked in a helium factory for most of her life…she is Tangina Barrons, and she gives one hell of an explanation!
I’m not exactly sure why what she says makes me shudder so…but it really does! I think every filmmaking technique is utilised very precisely here; the writing, the line delivery, the camera moves, and editing, and the music all work very effectively.
…from the movie Candyman, if you hadn’t already guessed that. Before I praise Candyman, though, I have to give a shout out to Clive Barker. The man is a god…that is all!
Alright, google Clive on your own time, now let’s talk about the hook man himself.
“The Candyman, a murderous soul with a hook for a hand, is said to appear when you stare into a mirror and chant his name five times. He is accidentally summoned to reality by a skeptic grad student researching the monster’s myth.”
– IMDB
This movie is, beyond the obvious horror, about class. The myth of the Candyman is invoked by poor residents living in the slums of Caprini-Green, a public housing project. He is used almost as a voodo-like entity in order to either blame their troubles on or beg to for vengeance. Because the legend of how he died is so wrapped up in the history of racism and economic inequality, the rich laugh him off as a mere story but the poor acknowledge him as a reality. This film is about what happens when someone from the top end of society, used to swivelling wine and pinching cigarettes, descends into a harsher luxury-less world.
The beautiful thing about that scene is its clarity. If you were at all tone deaf to the significance of class in this story – this scene shoves it in your face. The almost caricaturing way it portrays the self-induging world of upperclass academia clashes so blatantly with the graffitied back alleys that Virginia Madsen’s character is documenting, and that’s the heart and soul of the film. If you like the way this little scene plays out, then you should really check out C…ooh, I almost did it there!
Maybe a lot of these were obscure to you. You’re saying to yourself “Ey? The Haunting? Dawn of the Dead? Poltergeist? Candyman? Where on God’s green earth are the classics?”. Alright then, here’s a classic; it’s Quint’s Indianapolis story from Jaws. Everyone knows Jaws, so it’s a useless exercise, but for the sake of consistency…
“When a gigantic great white shark begins to menace the small island community of Amity, a police chief, a marine scientist and grizzled fisherman set out to stop it.”
– IMDB
…and that grizzled fisherman is Quint.
Don’t worry, I’m not crowbaring this monologue in just appease the snobs, I really think it deserves to be number 3. Why? Probably because it’s the one and only real insight we have to Quint’s past. This mysterious character is bombastic and sharp-toothed to say the least, but up until this point he never truly lets us in on any of his real history. We know what he does for a living, he kills sharks, but not why he does it. Well, that all changes in one scene:
Suddenly all of Quint’s personal quirks and ‘certifiable’ actions can be tied to one event. It doesn’t need to be said, but it obviously affected him in ways that Brody and Hooper will never understand. The look of awe on Hoopers face says it all. Suddenly the man sitting in front of them is a bit more than just the old crotchety mariner they thought he was.
If you’re any kind of champion of british films, then forget Harry Potter. Harry Potter is british talent funded by american money. No no, what you need to do is go out and get yourself a copy of Dog Soldiers; it’s as english as it gets. This low-as-hell budget werewolf fright-fest pits the combined forces of foul-mouthed witty British-army recruits against a predatory pack of razor clawed lycanthropes. Unpretentiously put…
“A squad of British soldiers on training in the lonesome Scottish wilderness find themselves locked in an epic battle against a family of werewolves.”
– IMDB
The cast consists largely of ‘unknowns’, but you should take note of one name in particular; Sean Pertwee. Pertwee has the voice, accent, and mannerisms to turn this monologue from cheesy exposition into a god-forged stone tablet. It’s almost my favourite monologue of all time and every time I hear it, it makes me squeeze the edge of my seat.
Did you take my advice from before about having a glass of wine? If you did, then this is the point where you raise your glass and say “…to Eddie!”.
That was a hell of a story if you ask me. It brings the two themes of the film together masterfully; the friendships build between soldiers and the haunting dangers surrounding them. Neil Marshall, the director of this film and The Descent, described Dog Soldiers as a soldier movie with werewolves – rather than a werewolf movie with soldiers. I concur, and this speech is a shining monument to that fact. It’s harsh, twisted, frightening, and shrouded in perplexity – and yet still manages to show the warm cordial side of brother-in-war, as well as the sadness that lingers over a settled battlefield.
It’s almost perfect, and would be ‘numero uno’ if it weren’t for…
Hold on to your childhood, kids – this one’s rough.
How should I describe Gremlins? Well, let’s just say that it’s about as far as you can push a kids movie while still calling it a kids movie. In fact the ratings board disagreed with that, and literally created the PG-13 rating because of this film. That’s how much it straddles the line!
“A boy inadvertantly breaks 3 important rules concerning his new pet and unleashes a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on a small town.”
– IMDB
Just like with Labyrinth, watching this movie made for a pivotal moment of my childhood. I was super charmed and super creeped out by it. The nasty little gremlins are nasty, but also hilarious. They have no respect for order and this movie has no respect for sticking to the conventions of family entertainment.
So the movie is the movie, with funny parts, scary parts, ridiculous parts – but suddenly in the middle of all of it the film just stops. It stops so that the lead female character can tell a story about an experience she had at Christmas years ago. The weirdest thing is that it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie…at all.
However, thematically…it’s completely appropriate. Gremlins is about the mash up of festive yuletide joy and the undeniable malevolent persistence of destruction. Kate’s story completely embodies that, and it burrows frostily into the warm tissues of your heart like a murderous pointy icicle.
This may quite possibly be the most deliciously evil piece of writing in all of screen history. It beats anything that ever came out of Hannibal Lecter’s mouth or has been announced by any James Bond villain. I mean, what kind of sick filmmakers would purposefully set out to create a creepy Christmas-themed urban legend backstory for such a sweet young female character? Chris Columbus and Joe Dante, that’s who!
Now all that is diabolical in itself, but to make matter even worse – listen very carefully to the background music; it’s a “horrorfied” version of ‘Silent Night’. Wow, that’s cruel.
Alright, that’s another list listed. 8 days to go till Hallowthreen!
Cinema Rant 