Tunnel visionary
Some of you may be aware, most of you probably not, but the trailer for Alex Cross was just released. It’s a bit of a bizarre looking film, with Matthew Fox (from Lost) playing a sadistic serial torture-killer, and Tyler Perry playing the detective hunting him. Wait, what? Tyler Perry?
This Tyler Perry?
And Matthew Fox, everyone’s favourite cast-away hero doctor from the world’s worst television show is now playing a man who likes to chop up women alive and watch them suffer? If you get a chance to check out the trailer, do, it looks like the film might actually be alright. For now though, join me in a big “what the hell?” as we tremble before the fact that…
Ok, to be honest, there is one even more important reason why I’m curiously interested in this project. It’s the director; Rob Cohen.
Rob Cohen may be an obscure name to some of you, but he’s a fairly accomplished director. His movies include The Fast and the Furious, XXX, and Stealth, so you can tell what his genre preference is. He also directed Dragonheart, but I’ll be recommending that separately some other time.
What I’m here to recommend to you today is my favourite Rob Cohen film of all time, and that is of course Daylight.
It’s interesting, because both both Daylight and Dragonheart almost made it onto my Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Movies list. However, I think both of them are actually good films, and not ones where I’m willing to admit too much fault. I mean, I love Daylight. It’s 90’s action at it’s most boisterous, but what does the plot entail?
“Disaster strikes in a New York tunnel when an explosion collapses both ends of it. One hero tries to help the people inside find their way to safety.”
– IMDB
Aaahh IMDB, what would I do without you? I sure do love to quote ‘the database’. Meh, why bother complicating things? K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Shithead!
Yeah, this is a disaster movie. So what? There are plenty of great disaster movies, like The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, Independence Day, The Perfect Storm, Twister, Alive, Deep Impact, and yes…even Titanic, just to name a few. Daylight is up there with the best of them for sure. It’s a simple idea with a lot of potential, all of which is utilised. The film continues to introduce new elements all the time, keeping the audience and the characters equally stressed. The effects are great, especially for 1996, and the soundtrack rocks. Randy Edelman certainly knows how to crank up the action and the drama at the same time all within one musical theme. Oh, and did I mention that this is Sylvester Stallone’s best performance ever? Yes, better than in Rocky.
Yeah Sly, it is! Stallone gets a lot of criticism for being some sort of bodybuilder turned wannabe-actor. He’s typecast as an action star with very limited dramatic range, but that’s fine with me if it leads to more movies like this. One thing you’ll be glad to hear is that Stallone doesn’t take his shirt off once in the whole movie. Alright, so that doesn’t immediately make it Oscar material, but it does put it a notch above things like Cliffhanger.
Chillax, I like Cliffhanger too, it’s just not as good as Daylight. Stallone plays a much more believable character here and also portrays him in a much more believable way. Amy Brenneman is a lovely antithesis to Sly’s expert knowledge. His hardships have a profound effect on her and changes her perspective on life drastically. Every character, in fact, changes throughout the film. This is what disaster films are supposed to do; destroy the external while enforcing and purifying the internal. Daylight doesn’t fail. It’s both a fun popcorn adventure and a harrowing survival drama. If you feel like a treat at the end of your week, Daylight will bring you to the depths of despair and all the way back up to the uplifting pinnacle of human determination. Get it, watch it, live it, love it. Rob Cohen, Sir, this will forever be your masterpiece.
Daylight (1996) trailer
Rant Over!
Stanley’s wet dream.
Aaah arthouse films. They’re like high level university lectures. Clearly full of important information and ideas, but so often suicidally boring. There are some film that I consider to be both arthouse and incredibly entertaining, like Drive and pretty much every Paul Thomas Anderson film ever, but the overwhelming majority of them have the same effect on me as Ambien.
How fitting, then, that the latest arthouse film I watched was in fact about sleeping. Well, it’s not really. As we all know the whole point of arthouse movies is to use film as a medium in order to explore a deeper theme. So what is Sleeping Beauty really about then?
Hold your horses, let’s explain the plot first:
“A haunting portrait of Lucy, a young university student drawn into a mysterious hidden world of unspoken desires.”
– IMDB
Damnit, that hardly explained a thing. Alright IMDB, I’ll do it for you then.
Basically the movie is about a this girl who does all sorts of odd jobs to pay her bills. One day she answers a very mysterious ad for a vaguely described job. Whatever it is, it’s sleazy, degrading, and turns out to be possibly even dangerous. Some of you may not want to know the details before you see the film, so I will give you the chance to opt out…
SPOILER ALERT
It’s not really a spoiler, since the clue is in the title, but the job requires her to sleep. She is drugged, stripped naked, and placed in a large bed. As she sleeps, sexual and sadistic actions are performed upon her unconscious body.
SPOILERS FINISHED
So, now what is it really about? Well it seemed to me to be a commentary on employment. Lucy has so many jobs, all of them awful. She clearly doesn’t enjoy them, but also doesn’t complain about them. She lives to work. Her social life is in disarray and almost non existent, but her work life is constantly booming.
One begins to wonder about the nature of work itself, particularly having a job that you don’t like. We’ve all had jobs that we hated and pushed through them in order to achieve a career more in line with our passions, but is this really healthy? When does it go too far? Are you not selling yourself in some way when you perform actions simply for the money. You could argue that we’re all whores, accepting cash in exchange for a large chunk of our lives. It also shows Lucy as a constant servant, never allowing herself to enjoy anything. Therefore, the deeper question becomes “what makes a worthwhile life? and “what is life for?”. If you spend all your life serving others and never allowing yourself to ‘stop and smell the roses’, have you wasted your time?
The film has been described as very Kubrickian, and it is. Almost every single scene is done in one take, usually with very flat, wide angle, long shots. There’s no denying that Sleeping Beauty is heavily inspired by Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, which features much of the same photographic style and imagery. The concept is to shoot sexy things in a very unsexy way, thereby generating a sense of awkwardness and displeasure in the audience. It’s interesting, but kinda loses its gravitas when it’s regurgitated into 2011.
Sleeping Beauty (2011) trailer
Finally, did I like it? Errm, kinda. I sort of did, but also sort of didn’t. The movie feels like it’s very up it’s own ass, which becomes a problem for me. If there’s anything I hate, it’s a pretentious movie. Here is a shining example of filmmakers truly believing in their own genius to the point of nausea. The scenes didn’t need to be done in one single take, random characters didn’t need to monologue spontaneously, and ultimately a lot of the nudity felt like it didn’t need to be there either. Every person in the film has dialogue that no one would ever say, because…it’s artsy. For example, who tells someone “fuck you to death”? That’s not right, people don’t talk like that. I like the ideas here, they just seem to get a bit bogged down by the style. Overall it’s an average result for me.
Rant Over!
In the beginning…
Yay! It’s been many years coming, but now Prometheus has finally landed. My excitement, as you may know, was already well documented here.
I’m not joking about the wait. This film was announced as early as 2009, just before I started University. Now I’ve graduated and there it was on Tuesday, in the theatre, ready for me to watch. So the obvious question is, “how was it?”.
Let me first start off by saying that this film has received a considerable amount of backlash. It’s been pretty astounding to see the amount of youtube reviews that popped up just days after its release, each one of them detailing the utter dismay of its uploader. Friends of mine have also described it as boring, plain, and disappointing. I don’t get it, cause I had one hell of a good time! If you’re not up to speed with the plot, allow me to fill you in:
“A team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race.”
– Imdb
Alright, I’ll start with the bad stuff just to get it out of the way. Bear in mind that I have to be vague so I don’t spoil everything.
First off, it tries a bit too much. Not too hard, too much. I felt that there were too many characters brought in along the way. Many of them I just didn’t care about, and some of them only had three or four lines in total. I barely had time to question who they were before they met their inevitable mandatory doom. However, the main cast of characters are very well rounded. They each have distinct personalities that you get a handle on quickly.
Secondly, it’s a little bit too long. The plot essentially takes place in two different areas, and the characters just keep running back and forth between them. You start to get over it after the seventh or eights time that they decide they “need to move, now!”. Some pacing issues aswell, but they’re overlookable.
Now, the good stuff:
Ridley Scott is the sci-fi king. The man can do no wrong when he’s given a futuristic setting, gribbly creatures, and an expendable crew. The best part about the movie is that it has more than just spectacle. There are ideas and themes running throughout. At the very forefront is the idea of life. Life at its most benign, and its most malignant. The creation of life, both through laboratorial means and via a mothers womb, takes centre stage. We have to remember that the “chestburster” scene from the original Alien was both grotesquely analogous to pregnancy and at the same time a reflection on the internal biological dichotomy of cancer. Life gives, but it can also take. Babies often “kill” their mothers in childbirth. Cancer is not death, it’s unregulated life. In the case of the alien, it is simply an unwanted child, whose very existence threatens its own environment. These ideas come up again in Prometheus, except this time on a much grander scale. It poses one question out of several; as humans, are we benign or malignant? Are we ourselves a form of “planetary cancer”? Of course there’s no getting around the concept of religion, so it also plays a large role in the film. You’ll have to see for yourself how it ties into the plot…when you go see it…which you should. Seriously, I urge you to go see it. I know it’s not exactly doing poorly at the moment, but just look how much the actors want your support:
And then there’s the spectacle. Good grief what spectacle! The visual effects are top notch, and magnificently not all CGI. There is a decent amount of robotics and makeup in it, which brought me back to the good ol’ days of creature-feature sci-fi. The look, the speed, the power, the intensity, and the general sense of nihilism is just wonderful. Watching this film is as unsettling as it is entertaining. There are moments when you have to look away, and plenty more where you can’t. I have to stress that this film is not Alien. If you’re hoping for a slow burn with a lot of dread, you’re not gonna get it. This film is mountainous! It’s big in every sense of the word; big planets, big distances, big spaceships, and big monsters. There are a few musical cues that pay homage to Alien and the script tips its hat in recognition several times, but it’s a very different creature.
I don’t know that I can really go into much more detail, other than to just reiterate that I loved it. At a time in my life when certain people lack loyalty and basic human decency, it’s good to know that the world of quality cinema is still there for me. Thank you, Sir Ridley. Don’t go in, however, expecting a lot of answers. Instead walk in prepared to receive a lot of questions. As mentioned, there were a few issues, so it doesn’t get a perfect score by any means. But, it certainly gets a…
I forgot to mention how marvellous the musical score is, but instead of ranting on any longer – this is what I’m gonna do:
I really, really want people to go see this. So, to get you in the mood I want you to play the youtube clip below, close your eyes, and imagine yourself on a journey to the stars. A voyage into the fabric of space itself, toward the unknown, seeking cosmic answers. Don’t worry, it’s not too long. Enjoy.
Prometheus (2012) OST Track 4 – Life
Rant Over!
Everybody does it.
What are “guilty pleasure movies”? Most people seem to think that they’re movies that you like but no one else does, hence the guilt. I agree with that, a guilty pleasure movie needs to be a largely despised one in order to qualify. However, it’s often more than that. The guiltiest of the guilty pleasures are the ones that you also know are terrible, yet you still like them. Every time someone lists the negatives you wholeheartedly agree and then add…”but I kinda enjoyed it.”
These movies just have that X factor, that special ingredient that, seemingly, you alone respond to. It’s usually something that’s impossible to explain, which makes my next self-imposed task quite a challenge. Nevertheless I shall embark…
The Master of Disguise is a truly empty movie, I totally admit it. It exists only as a vehicle for Dana Carvey to show off his impressions. Plot:
“An Italian waiter fights off a criminal mastermind with his inherited powers of disguise.”
– Imdb
The thing is, I’ve never even thought Dana Carvey’s impressions were particularly funny or accurate. Yet, somehow when he wrote a flimsy plot around them they suddenly became exactly that. I don’t know why, but I laughed. I laughed a lot! It had me cracking up all over the place. By the end I had realised that it was a funny movie and that i really liked it. Unfortunately, most others do not agree.
Meh, screw all of you. It was a comedy, I laughed…result.
“The coast is toast”? “The coast is toast”? Ay ay ay. And to make matters worse, the movie’s called Volcano. For those who need to be spoon fed, there’s even a picture to help you understand. Can you guess what it’s about?
“A volcano erupts in downtown L.A., threatening to destroy the city.”
– Imdb
Oh really? Well that could be alright, what are the special effects like?
Oh god.
So, This movie competed with Dante’s Peak for the “lava” ticket. Now, I like Dante’s Peak but Volcano is better. For one thing it has Tommy Lee Jones, who I’m quite fond of. Jones has a way of reading dialogue that just sucks you in. I believe that he is who he says he is and therefore from the second the film starts – I’m onboard. Volcano in Los Angeles? Sure, Tommy’s there, I buy it. Terrible CGI? Tommy’s there. One man can stop a Volcano all by himself? It’s Tommy, dude, of course.
But apparently Tommy isn’t enough for most people.
I love how after 15 years there’s still no consensus. People don’t even care enough about this movie to hate it.
You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover…but in this case, wow. It’s a three-way of failure; The straight-to-DVD martial arts of Jean-Claude Van Damme, the irrelevant basketball fame of Dennis Rodman, and the emotional absence of Mickey Rourke trying to pay off his rent.
The movie really is as cheesy as the picture above suggests, but the initial premise has potential:
“Counter-terrorist Jack Quinn misses his target, Stavros, on the eve of his final mission. From there, he is sent to ‘The Colony’, a rebirth for presumed-dead assassins. He breaks free and seeks the aid of Yaz, a weapons dealer, for his final battle with Stavros.”
– Imdb
Jack Quinn, how cliche’ is that name? Other suggestions must have included Maverick Stone, Hal Walker, and Kit North.
So Van-Damme plays a perfect person who kills deserving bad-guys and loves his wife endlessly. He has nothing to learn and he never does, other than how to get his wife back after she’s been kidnapped. Great character development there. Dennis Rodman helps him out with a few extra guns and lot of comic relief.
Ouch, but for me the action works. It’s inventive, stylish, and often shot in an interesting way. There is a quasi-art film in here somewhere, with a definite attempt by the filmmakers to put their stamp on it. Did it end up any good? No. It’s as rubbish as you’ think, but it held my attention. It’s a fun watch, and the only bit that had my shaking my head was when Van-Damme and Rodman jump out of an airplane and land safely by enveloping themselves in a giant basketball.
Yeah, you read that right.
I could have picked another poster, but I decide to show you this one. That’s because it exemplifies just how ridiculous this movie is. Yes, that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger with two giant laser guns. Wanna see that? Then you’re in luck.
“A Witness Protection specialist becomes suspicious of his co-workers when dealing with a case involving high-tech weapons.”
– Imdb
Actually this movie’s far more serious and believable than something like Commando, which I’m sure the poster reminds you of. James Caan plays the villain, and proves to be a particularly seedy one. The action scenes are unashamedly over-the-top, but that’s what I love about it. This movie brings in any and all foreign elements it can to spice up the plot. There are airplanes, crocodiles, parachutes, suicides, energy weapons, x-rays, nail bombs, car chases, heart attacks, mobsters, hostage takers, raids, trains, moles, and the…
Was that enough to satisfy audiences and critics alike? No.
Everyone I’ve met either hasn’t heard of this film or laughs when I mention it. It gets lumped in with all the other Arnold tat, just like Predator, Total Recall, and The 6th Day. It’s not fair, Arnie did make some classic films with interesting ideas…but I admit this one’s just a roller coaster ride.
Now this one I’m going to vehemently defend. The Ladykillers is a funny movie! If you don’t agree…
It has a fun premise…
“An eccentric, if not charming Southern professor and his crew pose as a band in order to rob a casino, all under the nose of his unsuspecting landlord: a sharp old woman.”
– Imdb
…a funny main character, a good cast, a great atmosphere, and of course it’s made by the Cohen brothers. The bad part is that it’s a remake of a british comedy from 1955 and everyone looooooves the original.
But I like this one. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. For all the complaining I do about crap American remakes of foreign films, here is a shining exception to the rule. It takes the premise in a fun direction and does something outlandish with it, and for that I give it props. The humour is more absurd than directly laugh-out-loud, but it still works.
Ok, this probably seems like an odd choice to you. You’re saying to yourself “The Passion of the Christ is a guilty pleasure?” Well, yes. There isn’t necessarily a lot of pleasure, but there sure as hell is a lot of guilt. I’m sure you all know the story, but:
“A film detailing the final hours and crucifixion of Jesus Christ.”
– Imdb
Firstly, I’m an atheist. In fact it’s worse than that, I’m an anti-theist. I despise religion. Religious people may in and of themselves be perfectly wonderful human beings, but the religion itself is a poison on society. Yes, it is, it just is.
So I hear about this new Jesus movie coming out, made by Mel “son-of-a-holocaust-denier” Gibson. The buzz around it makes me curious, but I retain my scepticism about it actually being able to move me in any sort of emotional way. I watch it, and I’m floored. It’s actually good! Now, I didn’t walk out of the cinema as a “born-again” or anything, but I liked it. Tonally, atmospherically, visually, and musically it’s put together rather well.
A lot of people might say that when you beat, whip, and nail a guy to a cross for over two hours, it’s not hard to create some sympathy for him. I hear the argument, but you have to understand one thing; I’ve seen this kinda stuff before. Saw, Hostel, Grotesque, Martyrs, The Human Centipede, Guinea Pig Films, Men Behind the Sun, 120 Days of Sodom, you name it, I’ve seen a lot of torture porn movies. The Passion of the Christ is a really good torture porn movie.
Never-the-less, because of my own spiritual convictions and all the anti-semitic accusations surrounding the film, I find myself in a sense of guilt. Nothing about the message of this movie should be to my liking. It’s clearly aimed to please hardcore christians, which I am not. Still…it’s on my DVD shelf.
Naturally audiences and critics were a little divided on this one.
“A private investigator is hired to discover if a “snuff film” is authentic or not.”
– Imdb
My goodness, there’s so much to hate about this one. It stars Nicolas Cage, who we all know cannot turn down a screenplay. It’s directed by Joel Schumacher, who gave us Batman & Robin, also known as “BDSM-man and the gimp”. And to top it all off, the writer has disowned the film and refuses to watch it.
…so then why did I enjoy it so much?
8mm is pretty intense, featuring shady characters and never-ending mysteries. Aside from Nicolas Cage the cast is actually pretty solid. James Gandolfini, Peter Stormare, Joaquin Phoenix, and Anthony Heald all make appearances. Alright, Nicolas Cage isn’t that bad either. In fact this may just be one of his best performances ever.
So how does it translate to the “tomatometer”?
Yeah, seems about right.
Urgh, this is somewhat of an embarrassment for me. See, I hate laddie boys movies; films where misogynistic man-children whistle at girls and expect me to find it funny. Sorry Superbad and 40 Year Old Virgin, I don’t bite. No it’s not that I’m gay or a feminist. I like naked attractive women as much as the next man, but I don’t consider pointing and shouting about their “hotness” to be the pinnacle of hilarity.
So a movie like Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo would be far too tasteless for a snob like me, no? Hmmm.
“A man becomes a male gigolo after being mistaken for one while housesitting a male gigolo’s house.”
– Imdb
Now listen, I am not shitting you about this. Here are a few of the movies I consider to be vile masturbatory womens-objectification projects:
..and yet, I liked Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. Actually, scratch that, I loved it. This is a film that was born out of the same primordial ooze that all the rest of those wank-flicks were, but it’s so much better than the rest.
Why? It’s simple, it’s funny, it’s effective. Rob Schneider is a perfect fit for the role and there is creative humour at the film’s core. Each of the women that Deuce has to seduce (no rhyme intended) are unique and hilarious in their own right. I genuinely recommend it as a comedy. I hope you laugh as much as I did, not as little as these guys did:
I have a plea to filmmakers the world over: Make more good shark movies!
Jaws is a classic. It’s great, we love it, it’s wonderful. It’s all been said before, but where do we go from there?
I love sharks, who doesn’t? I don’t want to swim with them or anything, but they’re beautiful creatures. Not only that, they make perfect force-of-nature villains. Why aren’t there better shark movies? They made Jaws 2, 3, and 4 – all crap. Then there was Great White, Shark, Shark Attack (1, 2, 3, and 4), Shark Swarm, Sharks in Venice, Dinoshark, Sharktopus, and Shark Night 3D. None of them were any good. What was it about sharks that only Steven Spielberg could manage?
But then, in 1999, Renny Harlin directed a film that stemmed the tide. It was called Deep Blue Sea.
Now, as this is a post about guilty pleasures, I will agree that Deep Blue Sea is in fact a terrible film. In concept and execution it appears to everyone as a complete waste of time. What is the concept you ask?
“Searching for a cure to Alzheimer’s disease a group of scientists on an isolated research facility become the bait as a trio of intelligent sharks fight back.”
– Imdb
Absurd, right? I hear you. Now how is the execution?
Well, we’ll let that stand as a metaphor.
Ok, the CGI is terrible. Seriously, it’s teeeeerrible. Besides that, however, i like it a lot. The robotic sharks look great, and they’re used throughout most of the movie. It has a lot of action scenes that really push the limits of what you expect out of a killer-shark movie. The deaths are gory, the stakes are high, and the soundtrack is epic. In fact it’s so epic that Nightwish did a cover of it (called “Crimson Tide and the Deep Blue Sea”). I’m gonna show you the trailer now, just cause I feel like you should see it.
Deep Blue Sea (1999) trailer
And now I’m going to show you the rottentomatoes score, just cause I feel like you should know how much everyone else hated seeing it.
I know, right? “Seriously, Armageddon?”
But that’s exactly why it’s perfect for the top slot. Never has there been a movie that I’ve enjoyed so much, whilst being so aware that I shouldn’t. If I was one of the cowboys in Brokeback Mountain, this film would be my gay lover. I just can’t quit you, Armageddon. It’s forbidden, but it feels so good!
I love facts. I just need to state that. I love scientific facts. Truth is of paramount importance in my life, and there is no truth in Armageddon.
“When an asteroid the size of Texas is headed for Earth the world’s best deep core drilling team is sent to nuke the rock from the inside.”
– Imdb
There is no planet in any solarsystem, in any galaxy, or in any universe, on which the events of this film could ever take place. NASA sends Bruce Willis and a team of oil-rig drillers into space to save Earth? Wha-tha-fuuuck? How am I meant to believe this. Who would be foolish enough to put something like this together and think they could get away with it?
Oh. Well then, let’s give it a try.
Armageddon (1998) trailer
Hell…yeah!
I realise that I use the word “atmosphere” a lot, but this film is all atmosphere, and it’s off the fuckin’ chain. This is Micheal Bay before he became a pervy porno-director, when he was just a flagloving propaganda-pushing corporate-sellout entertainer. “America saves the world? I’ll take multiple servings, thank you. Anybody else want some?”
“Alright then, more for me.”
Rant Over!
Cinema Rant 