Inconceivable
A while ago I was recommended to do this recommendation, so now I recommend you read it and implore others to do the same.
The Princess Bride! Never heard of The Princess Bride?
What, you were never a kid? You popped out of your mothers womb with a suit n’ tie on, ready to go to work? Come on! It’s The Princess Bride, man! If you haven’t seen it, chase it down like it’s a gazelle. Rent that muthafucka’, or even better; buy it.
This movie is every fairytale cliche’ blended into one story. It has landscapes, oceans, forests, castles, kings, princes, princesses, swashbucklers, giants, pirates, thieves, swamps, monsters, marriage, revenge, honour, betrayal, friendship, and of course ‘true love’. It’s been referred to as The Wizard of Oz of its generation, and I agree.
The film starts off with a grandfather reading a story to his grandson. As he does so we are brought into the fantastic world of Florin, where a romance is brewing between the young maiden Buttercup and her farm boy Westley. The two are separated and Buttercup ends up engaged to marry the corrupt Prince Humperdinck. Before this can happen, however, she is kidnapped by The Dread Pirate Roberts…
…urgh. Seriously, the story goes off on all kinds of twists and turns. I can’t be bothered explaining it all, and in fact I shouldn’t. You need to be surprised by this film, and you will be. It’s mythical, epic, corny as hell, funny as fuck, and even features random gymnastics.
Of course the heart of the movie is the much-mentioned ‘true love’. As fluffy and typical as it may sound, it’s a preeminent pleonasm that I think we should all reflect on (thank you ‘online thesaurus’). There’s so much false affection in this world. People pretending to care, and not giving a shit. Individuals who use others as backups until someone more interesting waltzes around the corner. Hollow spouses who treat others like plastic. “If it breaks, I’ll just get a new one!”. ‘Gold diggers’, ‘sluts’, ‘players’, and ‘fuckbuddys’ all trying to splash in the pool without getting their feet wet. But true love is genuine. It means giving yourself over to someone, someone you care about more than yourself. When they need you, they shouldn’t even have to ask. But if they do, your answer will always be…
This movie is as charming as its heroes and heroines. The use of blatantly false backdrops, fake british accents, ridiculously gorgeous people, and expositive dialogue helps to remind us that this is a fable. So, for anyone saying that it’s excessive; it’s meant to be. In the same way as Titanic, the main story is simple but highly effective. Rob Reiner clearly set out to create a 98 minute fantasy soap opera that actually works, and he succeeded.
Rent it, watch it, love it. If you’re human you have no choice. There’s something in this for everyone.
And for those of you who do remember this movie, here is a little treat for you.
Rant Over!
Once you go bad…
Ever heard of ‘the law of diminishing returns‘?
“The law of diminishing returns states that in all productive processes, adding more of one factor of production, while holding all others constant, will at some point yield lower per-unit returns.”
– Wikipedia
Basically when you try to recreate a product, an event, or a feeling one more time – it will automatically not be as good as the time before simply by virtue of the fact that it is happening one more time. This is the reason why sequels are always worse than the film before, and by the time you get to the fifth film in a series – slitting your wrists starts to becomes a preferred form of pastime.
This is not always the case, however. Think of Terminator 2, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Mad Max 2, Silence of the Lambs, and many would add The Dark Knight. So, the law exists as well as the exceptions to it. But now I want to propose a new law, it’s called ‘the law of positive anomalies‘. It goes like this:
“The law of positive anomalies states that sometimes, as production quality begins to slip, the creators panic and miraculously forge a unit that slightly or entirely supersedes its predecessor(s).”
– Cinemarant
Examples of this would include Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Alien 3, Die Hard with a Vengeance, Freddy Vs. Jason, Bride of Chucky – the list goes on and on.
This brings me to Men in Black 3. In fact it brings me to the whole Men in Black franchise.
The first Men in Black was an alien concept itself, an outrageous mixture of dark comedy and gruesome imagination. Notice the word I used there; dark. I use it a lot, but that’s because I feel it’s something movies shouldn’t be afraid of. I want to remind everyone that the first Men in Black featured a giant cockroach that consumed the innards of an american farmer and wore his skin as a suit. If that’s not dark for a comedy sci-fi film, I don’t know what is. And yet, with all this it still managed to blend itself seamlessly with witticism and serious drama. There was a flair of humour, but it didn’t lose its sense of danger. In fact it almost had the same funny-macabre feel that The Addams Family did, which makes sense as they were both directed by Barry Sonnenfeld.
Men in Black (1997) trailer
Men in Black 2 was utter shit. It was an excuse for Will Smith to be funny, Lara Flynn Boyle to be hot, and Johnny Knoxville to be puerile.
Men in Black 2 (2002) trailer
Entirely focused on the comedy, it lost the sense of what the original was all about. At no point did I feel that there was a sense of peril involved. The visual effects were all ludicrous and cartoony, not to mention poorly designed, and as strange as it might sound; it just wasn’t believable!
So now we have Men in Black 3. Is it as good as the original Men in Black? Hell no! Is it better than Men in Black 2? I suppose, yeah, but not by much. Technically it’s a positive anomaly but as with MIB 2 there’s a lot missing. Will Smith isn’t funny anymore, the aliens aren’t bizarre enough, and the story certainly isn’t tight enough. In this “threequel” the character of J actually has to go back in time to save K from being killed. Usually when a franchise decides to introduce time-travel or amnesia, you know they’re desperate. Still, it isn’t as annoying as the second one. In fact, as many people have pointed out, Josh Brolin’s impression of Tommy Lee Jones is pretty spot-on. It’s a great piece of casting and makes the film much more bearable. By the end the movie tries to introduce a sentimental moment which doesn’t really work. Then, there’s this annoying little final plot-spasm just before the credits where one of the characters actually talks to the camera. It’s a facepalm moment for sure, and leaves you with an incredibly bad taste in your mouth. Still, I’m sticking with my theme, it’s not as bad as the second one.
Yet I wouldn’t recommend it. If you need your Men in Black fix, go rent the original on BluRay or DVD. It’s a 90’s classic.
Men in Black 3 (2012) trailer
Rant Over!
You say tomato, I say…sod off!
Recently, I was stumbling around Rottentomatoes.com and decided to look up the score of some of my favourite films. If you’ve never tried this before; a word of warning. It may completely shatter your perception of cinema history. You might be cursed to find that one of the movies you clearly regarded as a hit, that charmed you in your youth, and that was integral to your development as a child…was in fact panned by critics across the board. Take this for example:
What-tha-F critics?! I’m going with the audience on this one. Hook is a lovely re-imagination of the Peter Pan material!
Oh fuck you Roger Ebert! You just don’t get it. You’re part of the Baby Boomer Generation. I’m part of Generation Y, we grew up with “Spielbergian” kids film in the cinema and in the VCR-player. Not to mention that this movie features amazing effects, comedy, music, and rip-roaring sword-fights. That’s why it appeals to me, you dick!
Oy vey. Fine, you may have dominion over Rottentomatoes, but you will never soil the hearts and minds of the filmmakers themselves.
Fuck, everyone hates it. Alright, well I’m going to recommend it anyways. See, these movies are like medicine; you may not like the taste but it’s good for you anyways!
Hook is the wonderful tale of what happens after Peter Pan actually grows up. He has forgotten his past and sunk deeply into his comfortable office life as Peter Banning. So what element of Neverland returns in order to pull him back into that world? The clue is in the title. Over the course of the story Peter has to reconnect with his old self and re-discover the marvels of being a playful kid in order to save his own children from the infamous Captain Hook.
It’s so much fun and, because it’s Spielberg, it’s also a wonderful story with a beautiful message. It reminds us about the energetic joys of being a youngster without ignoring the important treasures of being a parent. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you can’t play games and have fun. Creating memories is just as necessary in life as forging a career. These are all ideas that the film flags up and that we can all agree are valuable.
I will admit that the films blue-screen effects, makeup, and yes…sword-fights…seem a little dated by now. However, it’s more than made up for by Spielberg’s typically masterful use of cinematography and editing as well as John William’s musical score. Also, one final note:
I’ve never thought Julia Roberts was particularly pretty…but dressed up as tinkerbell:
Come on, am I right? Huh? Yeah? No? Seriously, I’m not right? You never…? Oh. Ok then, all I’ve done in that case is defiled a segment of your childhood memories, sorry.
Maybe it’s the short hair, I think I have a thing for that.
So if you haven’t seen this sparkling gem yet, you must do so now! In fact the whole movie is on youtube, but I recommend you watch it in high-def and preferably through legal means, as it will help support the people involved. I really can’t stress it enough, it’s great!
Also, here are some cameos that you may not have known about.
…and you thought Glenn Close only dressed up as a man in Albert Nobbs.
Rant Over!
Autocrap
I had a weird experience yesterday, a self-reflecting experience. It was while watching Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest comedy venture ‘The Dictator’.
Now I should start off by saying that I loved Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Who didn’t? Not only did I love it, it was genuinely the funniest movie experience I’ve ever had in the cinema. There were moments where I couldn’t breathe cause I was laughing so hard. Then came Brüno. It was no Borat, but it made me laugh considerably. Now we have The Dictator. As we all know, it’s not an unscripted interviewee-laden mockumentary like the others. Instead it’s a fairly straight forward comedy film. In fact it’s formatted in the reverse-order of Ali G Indahouse, which I also liked.
Plot: Admiral General Hafez Aladeen is the oppressive ruler of his home country, Wadeya. He travels to New York in order to address the United Nations and, in doing so, is kidnapped. He has his beard cut off, making him unrecognisable, and is released into the bowels of American society.
I think we all know the life-lessons that will be learnt along the way, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun right? Wrong.
The Dictator, how much did I laugh at thee? Let me count the ways… ONCE!
I laughed once in this movie. Now don’t get me wrong, this movie is not boring in its other aspects. It actually has outrageous moments that surpass anything in Borat and Bruno. Still, they’re not funny. They’re just over-the-top for the sake of being over-the-top. I wanted to laugh, I really did, but instead I just sat there with this stupid smile on my face thinking…
Everyone around me was laughing hysterically, which got me thinking; is it me? Do I not have a sense of humour? I laughed at Borat, I know I did. So why is this movie as amusing to me as a snail race. What am I not getting? Can your sense of humour erode. Does it have a half-life?
I ended up with the conclusion that “the film is boring and the audience is stupid”. It made me feel better at the time, but obviously not fulfilled in the quest to dissect my own gaiety.
Anyways, back to the movie. Like I said, it’s not funny. At least it wasn’t from where I was sitting, which was the perfectly-placed middle front row of the top balcony. The whole movie is a series of gags and jibs at dictatorship and middle-east ruling in general. It’s an excuse for Sacha to do what he thinks he does best, mock bigotry and zealotry. Unfortunately, in this instance, he appears to be scratching at the bottom of the barrel. I didn’t actively hate it, I just didn’t like it and most importantly… only laughed ONCE!
The Dictator (2012) trailer
Rant Over!
Cinema Rant 
