10 Arid Men
The other day it occurred to me that despite having posted on a blog called ‘CINEMARANT!” for over two months, there’s one thing I haven’t done yet: rant! I think we need a little anger, some vitriol, a touch of spite, and a dash of pithiness. So, now I want to do something a bit different. I’m not going to review a film, nor recommend one. I’m going to provide you with a list. A list of the…
I can already hear you say “Hold on, I thought this was going to be fun and flimsy, not boring.” Watch me turn air into gold, bitch:
I want to preface this by saying that these actors are not necessarily actors that I hate, though I do hate quite a few of them. It’s simply a compilation of thespians who cannot thesp, entertainers that don’t emote, and characters with no charisma. These people have two settings, cold and stone-cold. They do nothing for me. In fact sometimes I imagine that a slab of wood could act the part better than they could. Yet each and every one of them is inexplicably successful. Alright, I feel the juices of fury flowing, here we go:
This mans career came and went like a fart in the wind. Whoa! There it went, did you see it?
If you did I’m so sorry, cause this guy is tranquilizing. You may remember him as Robin, Batman’s gay leather-clad sidekick, from the two worst Batman movies. Believe it or not Batman Forever and Batman & Robin would turn out to be the highlights of his career, ouch.
What’s the best thing I can say about the third and fourth Batman movies. Eh, they’re colourful? That’s more than I can say for Chris O’Donnell, who for the life of him cannot convey feelings. In Batman Forever his entire family is slaughtered before his eyes. Did that make Robin sad? I don’t know, I can’t tell. O’Donnell’s face doesn’t move enough for me to discern anything.
Regardless, after these climactic masterpieces it was off to the mountains for Chris, as he entered into Vertical Limit.
Oooo a mountaineering film, is it good? Yeah, it’s ok. There’s this one terrible bit in it though. It’s the part where they point the camera at Chris O’Donnell. The man is climbing a lethal mountain to find his dying sister and this is the best he can do:
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Good God, look at him. Look at those eyes. You feel like you’re staring at a swirling spiral, or watching a swinging pendulum. You are feeling sleeeeepyyy…
I don’t get the deal with Benicio Del Toro. I don’t despise him, but I’ve never been a fan either. I certainly have never been mesmerised by his acting skills. His face is strange too, like he’s doing the worlds most strenuous James Dean impression. Give it up man, you don’t always have to stare into the sun.
As if his flat expressionless gob wasn’t enough, his voice is also droning. Monotone doesn’t even begin to describe it.
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I wonder how many of you will actually recognise this man. He’s somewhat obscure, but he played a very big part in a much talked about film back in 2004. I’ll give you a clue:
That’s right, he played Jesus in Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ. Now, I actually like Passion of the Christ as a movie. Politically and factually it’s dodgy as hell, but I have to say that Caviezel’s performance was decent.
So I assumed he’d be a tour-de-force in his next few roles. Oh, how wrong I was. The next role I saw him in was as the American terrorist Carroll Oerstadt in Deja Vu. Terrorist? Who’s idea was that? The man was as stoic as humanly possible. Aren’t terrorists meant to be upset about something? He looked to bored. He murdered people, blew up civilians, fought a time-traveling Denzel Washington, was arrested, and eventually killed. …and he did it all with this face.
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American Nympho
If you haven’t heard about Shame then you must not be a cinefile in any way, shape, or form. Fair enough, but now you have. So, lend me your ears.
It’s a fairly straightforward film, but it’s definitely a tough watch. Well, it’s a tough watch if you’re offended by nudity. A lot has been written about this film and the nakedness of the lead actor, so let’s just get it out of the way:
Yes, you get to see Michael Fassbender’s penis…a lot. You also get to see a few ladies parts too. Ok, Yeah? We done? Good. So what’s the plot?
Michael Fassbender plays Brandon Sullivan. What do you need to know about Brandon? He’s tall, handsome, dresses well, has a good job which seems to pay well, and is hopelessly addicted to sex. He is a man with a split life. One half restrained, the other unbuttoned. This Yin and Yang appears to be kept in balance until his sister, Sissy, arrives (played by Carey Mulligan). Sissy is the opposite, her flaws are out in the open for everyone to see. Her presence slowly tears away at Brandon’s life-structure, with disastrous consequences.
If I sound a little vague, I apologise. It’s hard not to give away important plot points, and it’s important not to. This film relies very much on shock and surprise, as well as breaking ideas of convention. Brandon is, afterall, unconventional. …or is he?
Now, I can only explain what I personally thought the movie was trying to say, so that’s what I’ll do.
Where else to start but with the title?
What shame? Well, it seems to me that the shame in question is sex. I know a lot of you are smacking your heads on the keyboard saying “duh” at this point, but hear me out. Sex is the most normal, common, and critical thing in life. It’s life itself. Of all the things on earth to be ashamed about, sex should be last on the list. Indeed, we all agree that sex is “natural and normal” in the right place and at the right time. However, the minute someone oversteps the boundaries we’ve instated, we consider it shameful. How can someone else’s sex life be “wrong”? Because it’s not like ours? What is “too much” sex? The exact amount that we’re used to having? How do we distinguish romantic sex from lustful sex? Is there even a difference?
Now I’m not above these judgements myself, none of us are. We all have our boundaries. “I’ll do that, but that’s just weird!”. It’s my opinion that this film challenges those self-imposed boundaries. It questions whether the amount of sex Brandon is having is even the issue. I myself couldn’t help but feel like the central problem he is facing isn’t to do with “too much”, it’s to do with “why?”. Why is he having sex? What are the motivations behind it? Brandon’s problem isn’t sex addiction, it’s narcissism; self-satisfaction. He continues to have sex for wholly his own sake, to ‘get his rocks off’. Not once does he think about the other person, about satisfying the other half. Until, that is, one very powerful turning point in the film. It’s an instance where he begins to give instead of just receive, and he is unable to handle it. The question of shame is the difference between having sex and sharing sex.
Now, a lot of people have remarked that there is a hint of incest between Brandon and Sissy. I have to admit, I got that feeling too. Several times throughout the film there is clear sexual chemistry between them. In fact it’s so strong initially that when they first meet it’s hard to figure out that they’re actually siblings. Continuously they refer to something that’s happened in the past between them, both through words and body language. It might be hard to accept, but I definitely think it’s there deliberately. It may give us clues as to why the two of them have so many social problems.
The narcissism Brandon has in his sexual life spills over into his relationship with Sissy. He cares too much about his own struggles, and is therefore unable to see hers. Sex and life, Brandon’s two halves, are mixing together into one.
It’s a very well made film. It portrays a main character that we all agree to denounce, but secretly sympathise with. I therefore highly recommend it.
Shame (2011) Trailer
Final Score
8.5/10
“Great”
One final note:
You know what this film reminded me of more than anything?
Seriously!
Rant Over!
Scarytale
I’m not just here to recommend a movie, but also a type of movie. It’s something that I don’t see around much these days, and that saddens me.
The type of movie I refer to is the dark family film.
I feel like these days kids films are kids films, and only that. They’re created and marketed for innocent angels untouched by the horrors of the world, intent on keeping them that way. This is not a good way to raise a child. Children need to be taught, albeit delicately, that the world can be a very strange place; hard to understand and unbelievably counter-intuative. Ugly people can be beautiful, and beautiful people can can be ugly. The universe is complicated, even just your little slice of it can seem impossible to navigate. Life is full of dead-ends, bad information, and it’s only your decisions and ability to persevere that will ultimately get you through it.
Nowhere is this better laid out for them than in Jim Henson’s Labyrinth.
I want to make one thing clear. I believe that Labyrinth is one of the defining factors in making me who I am today. I don’t just mean this in a shiny, happy, my-first-book-of-letters, kind of way. I mean it in a grungy, nihilistic, my-first-horror-film, kind of way. This may just possibly be the first film I saw that contained horror-elements, and it was a case of baptism-by-fire for sure. This movie is scary. It knows where to grab you and how hard to squeeze. Tiny furry creatures, slimy swamps, and menacing villains all helped to prepare me for the movies that would later hit me in my teenage years.
I don’t want to make it sound terrible, however. This is not a post-apocalyptic flesh eating zombie gore fest. It’s the story of moral choices, friends, imagination, and the transition from childhood to adulthood; the idea that being able to escape into a world of fantasy is not a sign that something’s wrong with you, but at the same time it discusses the need to fulfil your responsibilities and face the consequences for your own actions in the real world. These are all things that children need to hear.
But enough about the merits of existentialism in youth. Let’s talk about the film itself.
It centres around a young girl named Sarah. Sarah is like every teenage girl, except she isn’t. She isn’t going out and partying with her friends, she entertains herself with stories, toys, and fantasies. Never-the-less this is driving a wedge between her and her family as she rejects authority in her own way. It fuels her dislike of her baby brother, whom she sees as a burden on her own freedom. One night, she hits her breaking point and literally wishes her baby brother away. He disappears. Next, the Goblin King arrives to tell her she must navigate his labyrinth and find the child in less than 13 hours or else he will become a goblin forever.
A young Jennifer Connelly plays Sarah. A role which I doubt she had to fight hard for, as she appears to be the perfect mix of beauty, empowerment, and emotion. In fact, maybe they had to convince her.
Who plays The Goblin King? Oh just some guy called David Freakin’ Bowie!
I’d love it if David Bowie‘s middle name was actually Freakin’.
Everything about this movie is so 80’s. The effects, the music, the hair, the David Bowie. Did I mention David Bowie is in this?
Jim Henson is a genius for even thinking about combining these ingredients. His puppetry almost comes in second to everything else that just fantastic about this film. That’s not to say the puppets aren’t magical, they certainly are. Henson does a wonderful thing of putting creepy faces on loveable characters. It makes you scared and happy all at the same time. I don’t know if you know this but, he based them on real people too:
No I made that up. But, it’s uncanny, right?
Ok, time for the dislikes. I don’t really have any dislikes, because this movie is so amazing. However, one thing has started to bother me as I got older. Three words: David … Bowie’s … codpiece. That is all.
I’ve told you everything you need to know. Now go see the movie! It will change your life!
Labyrinth (1986) Trailer
Rant Over!
Naval Gazing
Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a review. I’d like to take this moment to apologise to my followers, both of you. Sorry and…sorry. There, now that that’s done, let’s review the shit out of something. In fact, let’s review the shit out of something loud and epic.
BATTLESHIP!!!
Yes, that’s right. This is a movie based on the board game ‘Battleship’. Who says Hollywood is out of ideas?
Now, I don’t remember much about the original Hasbro game, but I don’t think it came complete with an alien invasion or a Rihanna. This version does, though.
Okay, so they made up a filler-story in order to adapt it for the screen. That’s fine, it’s not like it’s unheard of. Truth be told, it wasn’t all that bad. When I first heard about this film I thought “Eh?”. Then, when I heard the plot I thought “Eh, what?”. Then, when I heard Rihanna was in it I thought “Eh, what the…”. Then, when I heard Liam Neeson was in it I didn’t say anything, cause he’s cashing in on his name a lot these days. Makes sense.
Considering that it’s a 131 minute movie based on this:
…it does a pretty decent job.
I’ll start with the bad points, just to get them over and done with.
1. If you think Liam Neeson is a big part of this movie, get ready to be disappointed.
My guess is that your assumption might have something to do with this:
As always with marketing campaigns: It’s a lie!
Liam Neeson is in this film for about 9 minutes, maybe not even that. So if you “need some Neeson”, you’ll be disappointed.
2. This movie is a naval recruitment film.
Want to save the world? Join the Navy!
Having technically been in the navy myself (albeit shortly, not in America, and not on a ship of any kind), I can tell you that your responsibilities are largely limited and your experience of warfare is nonexistent. But hey…the film was fine. Just don’t buy into the idea that if you sign your soul over to the military industrial complex you’re going to get to “kill alien scum!”. I know that might seem obvious to most of you, but it’s amazing how impressionable some audience members are.
3. The alien design is Crap with a capital “C”.
ILM must have pitched it as…
Master Chief…
…screwed a cat…
…and gave birth…
…to Ted Nugent.
4. The cliche’ is strong with this one.
Think of every overly-used stereotype, every typical line, and every predictable plot point. This movie just about has them all. Abandon all originality, ye who enter here.
Ok, that’s the bad stuff. The good stuff is quite simply that this film is fun. It’s far from the most fun I’ve ever had in a cinema, but it is fun. It knows how stupid it is, and acknowledges that while aiming for spectacle. In many ways it’s a more honest film than any of the Transformers movies, because Michael Bay seems to think he’s creating an impact with his over-budgeted, chaotic, long, boring, misogynistic, unfunny garbage. This film just wants to give you your moneys-worth. I feel like it did that.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a masterpiece. It’s flawed beyond belief and commercial to the point of nausea, but I have to admit I smiled throughout most of it.
Final Score:
7/10
“Fine”
Rant Over!
Cinema Rant 