It takes two, baby.
Another recommendation for you!
Put up your hand if you recognise either of these two names:
George A. Romero Dario Argento
If you don’t – instead, use that hand to knock yourself unconcious. Then, when you wake up, keep reading.
It’s impossible for me to fully convey just how dynamite these two filmmakers are. George Romero is responsible for the entire modern zombie genre. Have you ever heard of ‘I Walked With a Zombie’, ‘The Thing That Couldn’t Die’, or ‘Zombies on Broadway’? No? That’s because they were made before George Romero. Believe it or not, there was a time when zombie films were lame. Often set in the jungles of africa, they featured walking corpses reanimated through voodoo. They were like the Twilight movies of the 40’s and 50’s.
Along comes George Romero. He says “enough with this lame shit!”, makes ‘Night of the Living Dead’, followed by ‘Dawn of the Dead’, and caps it all off with his masterpiece; ‘Day of the Dead’.
In short: George upped the ante!
Meanwhile Dario Argento was reforming horror cinema back in his home country, Italy.
‘Deep Red’, ‘Suspiria’, and ‘Terror at the Opera’ are my favourite “Argento’s”, but the list is long and golden.
Argento has always had the ability to make me go…
So what do you get when you combine these two men? You get ‘Two Evil Eyes’!
A combination of several Edgar Allen Poe stories condensed into one film, ‘Two Evil Eyes’ is the genius of a brilliant gothic horror writer channeled through the two best horror filmmakers of the 20th century. It doesn’t get any better than that!
Murder, corruption, magic, karma, cats, and zombies. Trust me, no matter who you are, you’ll love it!
Homework List
Two Evil Eyes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100827/
Rant Over!
Ebony and Ivory
So it’s kind of on it’s way out of most cinemas now, but the latest Denzel Washington movie is called ‘Safe House’. Plot as follows:
Matt Weston (Ryan Reynolds) is a CIA rookie who is manning a safe house in Cape Town, South Africa, when Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington) the CIA’s most wanted rogue agent is captured and taken to the safe house. During Frost’s interrogation, the safe house is overtaken by mercenaries who want Frost. Weston and Frost escape and must stay out of the gunmen’s sight until they can get to another safe house.
– Imdb
Basically, Denzel Washington plays an ‘antihero/villain’ character who appears to be sociopathic at best and psychopathic at worst. Ryan Reynolds plays the innocent young-blood thrust into a deadly situation à la John McClane in ‘Die Hard’. He has the impossible task of keeping a criminal safe from other criminals in order to transport him safely to a given destination.
Because of this Ryan is the messenger, the delivery man, the carrier, and boy do they treat him like one. What we are meant to care about is the package, and the package is Denzel Washington.
Here’s my first gripe: Look at the poster above.
Look at the size of Denzel’s face compared to Ryan’s. Disproportionate much?
If you don’t think that poster’s unfair, check this one out:
“Hey, want to see Denzel be Denzel…with a little beard?” That’s all this movie is apparently, according to the marketing department. Don’t let them convince you that Denzel is the only thing in the movie. He’s not even the best thing in the movie. Ryan is!
Now I have to make a confession: I like Ryan Reynolds. …”no homo!”
In fact, I really like Ryan Reynolds. The man can act when he’s given a chance. He also has a wicked sense of humour and an inexplicable charm…
Sorry Ryan, but if you’re not going to beat your own drum, then I’ll beat it for you. Err, that did sound a little gay. I’ll blow your trumpet? Hmmm…
Anyway, the point is that I will watch Ryan Reynold in anything. Anything!
The Good The Bad and The Ugly
Ryan is consistently the best thing in each one of these films, and ‘Safe House’ is no exception.
Unfortunately, the rest of ‘Safe House’ is lacking. The writing never rises above basic, the direction is too commercial, and Denzel Washington plays the same character he has in his last 12 films.
Most notably, it suffers from Tony Scott syndrome (also known as Paul Greengrass syndrome)
“Want to make an action scene exciting? Give the camera to an epileptic!”
Here’s the result:
“Cut. Print. That’s a Wrap!”
Look, I undertand that it’s cheap to make a movie with no tripods or dollies, but at least make sure the editor doesn’t have Parkinson’s.
The plot is very easy to predict. Will Denzel and Ryan gain mutual respect for one-another? Will the government double-cross both of them?
I’ll let you figure that out yourself.
In the end: Ryan Reynolds is good, everything else isn’t. Even Denzel Washington (who isn’t completely bad) is recycling his usual ‘tortured hero’ performance.
Final Fact:
Did you know that this movie was the last one to ever feature the 1997 Universal logo? 
Final Score:
6.5/10
“Not quite good enough”
Rant Over!
Jean Duj-you’re-told
This isn’t so much a review as it is a simple recommendation and a possible slap across the face from me to you.
Part 1
I’ll start it off with a simple question: Have you seen ‘The Artist’?
If the answer is Yes: Move on to Part 2
If the answer is No: …
I’ll admit that ‘The Artist’ wasn’t my favourite film of 2011, but it was certainly a good watch. Given the fact that it won several awards at the Oscars, including Best Picture and Best Director, it is now a “must watch”.
The movie manages to be antiquated and post-modern all at the same time. A silent film about silent films that also happens to be funny, intelligent, and tragic. Watch it!
Part 2
A more important question, however, is: Have you seen the ‘OSS 117’ films?
If the answer is Yes: Treat yourself to a compliment and carry on.
If the answer is No: …
Let me just say that the ‘OSS 117’ films are even better than ‘The Artist’. Also made by Michel Hazanavicius and Jean Dujardin, these films spoof the 1960’s and 1970’s spy film genre. Think ‘Dr. No’, think ‘Goldfinger”…now think of the French taking the complete piss out of them. That’s OSS 117, complete with the hilarious unintentional homosexual undertones.
Yeah, the movies are French…get over it.
If you can’t read then these films aren’t for you, I admit it. However, if you do possess a literacy level beyond that of a 6-year-old, then you’ll find them funny. Believe me, you will laugh.
It’s a sad day when we have to turn to the French for the best of both drama and comedy, but such is life.
Homework List
The Artist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK7pfLlsUQM
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1655442/
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuQyn_CLmoA
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464913/
OSS 117: Lost in Rio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWsSI9nKAxk
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1167660/
Rant Over!
John Carter of what?
…of Mars, apparently. I can’t seem to find it on the poster though. It seems producers decided to kill the name at the last second so that the Jersey Shore generation didn’t think it was all “sciency and stuff”.
Well done, producers. You managed to completely erase any evidence of the Mars setting by shortening the name. It’s not like the poster has the giant red planet in the background or anything. So here was my thought progression regarding this film:
- It’s based on a 100 year old story. – “That’s cool”
- It’s large, epic, and complicated. -“That’s ok, it can work”
- It’s a Disney movie. -“So is Toy Story, what’s your point?”
- Taylor Kitsch plays John Carter. -“Oh…err…well…see the thing is…”
- It’s really boring! -“….”
The positive side of my brain had no comeback to that last one. It just nodded in agreement.
Here’s the plot: John Carter is a man living on earth…he then lives on Mars for a bit.
Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than that, but with character names like Tars Tarkas, Tal Hajus, Matai Shang, Tardos Mors, Sab Than, Kantos Kan, Sola, Sarkoja, Vas Kor…and Council Member #3, it’s a little tedious to go over the specifics.
Let’s just say that this is the same story of every action sci-fi epic ever.
I know that’s an unfair criticism as the story is so old, but it still hurts the movie.
Budget
This film cost $250,000,000 to make. In other words that’s two hundred and fifty million dollars. In other simpler words thats a whale of a budget.
So far the film has made back $100 million in its opening weekend worldwide. As promising as this might sound to the uninitiated, don’t be fooled. In relation to it’s budget it’s a complete flop. The movie has to make a profit of at least 250 million in order to break even, meaning that it has to generate a total of 400 million dollars from now until it leaves the cinemas.
Ain’t gonna happen, no matter what you do.
In addition to the low turnout, the critics have kicked it to the curb.
It seems the only people who truly like the film are the fanboys. Given that the story is 100 years old, I guess that would make the fanboys at least 113.
Of course the fanboys reaction to the criticism has been something along the lines of: 
Well, I usually love a good ol’ “fuck the critics!”, but this time the critics are right.
The film is not completely terrible, but it is boring. It spends two hours setting up the world of “Barsoom” (aka Mars) to no avail. By the end I didn’t care who lived or who died because the characters are uninteresting and the acting is uninspired. It felt less like ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Avatar’ and more like ‘The Chronicles of Riddick’.
Mind you, I don’t care much for ‘Star Wars’ or ‘Avatar’ either, but ‘The Chronicles of Riddick’ has a special place in hell.
However, this film has a unique perplexing aspect. It has a major problem with indistinguishability.
Let’s take a random sampling of alien characters and try to compare and contrast their individual personalities and characteristics:
Urgh, ok that might be a headache, but at least I can follow the main hero-versus-villain storyline.
Alright, so here is one of the main villains. His name is Sab Than.
Ok, easy to remember, Sab Than bad!
So I’m following the plot, and at one point John Carter is captured. “Oh, Noes!”. Now, Sab Than walks in and begins to interrogate him. “Seems like something a standard movie villain would do.”. Suddenly he begins to help John Carter escape. What? This is a turn of events to say the least. Sab Than tells John that he is working undercover in order to help him meet up with his love Deja Thoris. When Carter and Thoris are finally reunited Sab Than smiles, before leaving.
Wow, that was weird…I guess now we have one more good-guy: Sab Than.
Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Deja Thoris tells John Carter to leave, and he does. In walks…Sab Than. He is angry, mean, and looking for the escaped John Carter.
…What??
Is he schizo? What’s wrong with the guy? He just helped the man escape and now he’s on a bloodthirsty crusade to hunt him down?
The entire rest of the film he continues to switch back and forth between benign good-willed human being and satan incarnate. Ergo, I spend the next hour and fifteen minutes of the film in utter confusion.
Finally there is a last epic battle scene containing all the main characters – John Carter, Deja Thoris, Tars Tarkus, Sab Than and…
…oh my Christ!
This guy:
His names Kantos Kan and he’s the guy I’ve been watching this whole time, thinking he was Sab Than.
What kind of mental casting agent would cast clones to play two entirely different characters who dress the same, have similar names, but never meet.
What a mindfuck!
FINAL FACT:
Did you know David Schwimmer is in this film?
FINAL SCORE:
6/10
“Disappointing”
Rant Over!
Cinema Rant 